It is all so complicated

2007-05-11T20:08:00.000+08:00

Movin' to another site... =)

2007-05-10T19:45:00.000+08:00

Lately, I'm trying my best not to show to anyone how happy or sad I am. But this time, I just can't stop myself from being so proud of him. I am actually kind of guilty that I saw some tears but maybe he just felt so bad for me. But don't worry, this won't break us apart. It's not a big deal. On second thought, it is actually. Hehe, but hey it's a good thing you didn't lie to me. (Muntik lang..) Oh well, you know you can't lie to me. Maybe I should be a professional spy. Hmmm...

2007-04-07T11:47:00.000+08:00

Here I go again… I finally got time to divulge my thoughts. I don’t know what’s up with me today but as I woke up this morning, I’m kinda feeling like I don’t want to be anxious about anything, as in anything. I don’t actually care if at the end of this writing, someone would get pissed, which I don’t see the point why.

I’ve got no plan today which I think is a good start. I usually have things organized that when it didn’t go well as planned, let’s say I transform into a monster. That’s how my boyfriend describes me. I honestly don’t know how he keeps up with it. I’m just thankful he can. Anyways, since I don’t really know what to share with you guys, let me relate to you how I feel during these days of commemorating the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I typically just stay at home. Unlike others who yearly plan a trip with their family, ours stays at home and sometimes we do Bisita Iglesia and the Stations of the Cross. I have nothing against others who go out for a vacation; I really do understand that this is the only time they have to spend with their family. Then again, it reminds me of those times that we’re wishing that we can join our cousins in the beach. But as I grow living the tradition, now I understand why. This is the best, not the only time, but is the best time to ponder on things that we have done to others. Have we done any sacrificing for others or have we tortured some? Both I guess. It would take some time, a lot of time infact if we list down everything. The important thing is we acknowledge it and we do something about it. I hope so. Let me start by saying sorry to everyone whom I’ve done wrong, especially to those that I don’t actually realize I’ve caused so much pain.

May God bless you and your family! =)

2006-12-20T15:19:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be happy, right? After a month of hazy thoughts, finally he wrapped it up by asking me back. Bemused as I am, my affection towards him is blaring out loud, ‘yes, I’ll take you back’. However, I asked him one thing: prove that you deserve another chance. He then promised me that while we’re together, he’ll continuously demonstrate his feelings. I thought that’s the start of a new and a happy beginning but I guess there will always be haters. Feelin’ like one of the characters in ‘Truth About Diamonds’ by Nicole Richie, my life’s been monitored by tabloid writers. There are two kinds of them: a celebrity fanatic who writes articles that would build up one’s career and a hater who would do just about anything to ruin a career. Unfortunately, mine’s the latter.

Personally, I have no grudges against people who are not in favor of our relationship. As a friend told me, ‘don’t give a flying fuck to others’. I guess that’s too harsh, so I prefer to bear in mind what Yam told me, ‘wag mong intindihin yung iba, hindi nila alam nangyayari satin’. The point is I am hurt. People close to him doubt his true feelings for me which made me feel stupid. Solving it like a puzzle, it became very clear to me that they believe he merely asked me back learning that he has no chance with another girl. That leaves me looking like a pathetic girl smiling in front of everyone concealing the tears caused by so much pain. It is like a torture. But then, I need no negative vibes right now. My birthday is near, I know I can’t ask them to be happy for me. All I’m asking if for some respect. If you don’t like me, keep it to yourself. Please. I know that would be too much for a birthday and a Christmas gift, but I’ll certainly appreciate it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

2006-12-04T19:53:00.000+08:00

A month had passed... I tried not to think about it. If it's not for the thesis and friends to make me busy, maybe I'm still dreadfully in denial. But what can I do? He wants a new life and I’m definitely not part of it. I’m just glad he didn’t give me false hopes. Thank you.

Now I’m moving forward…

2006-11-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

It takes a lot of courage to let go of someone you dearly love. Daringly, you will outlive each day struggling to put a smile on your face at the end of the night. In this circumstance, time is of assistance. At first, you would not know what to do. Memories cherished constantly pops in your mind. But maybe, you’re just not aware of it, the ‘time’ made you discern what you really want, recognize who your true friends are, and even gain more. Who knows, maybe in the future you would realize that the time he left you might be the best day of your life. Not that the relationship has been bad, the end of it just opened your mind from further possibilities in life.

2006-10-29T14:57:00.000+08:00

I am so tired that I won’t talk about even just a teeny-weeny bit of it. I want to be carefree… I want to be optimistic… I want to be happy…

I don’t think that’s hard to understand. Smile.

2006-10-22T15:01:00.000+08:00

Finally, a time for myself. Busy days are still not over; I just have spare time for the day so might as well use it to something that helps me relax. Since I don’t absolutely give my trust, I don’t have someone to pour these things (my thoughts) out, that’s why I write or usually keep everything to myself. Na-ah, a sane person won’t disclose too much about herself. A hint or two will do but I would never tell all. You see, I HATE LIARS. My point? Lying is different from self-preservation. If you commit yourself to someone, it does not mean you have to tell everything. Yet, you have an obligation to tell that person anything that would affect your relationship, may that be good or bad.

Ok, maybe I’m not raising a good point here. Excuse me from not being so organized with my philosophies; I will blame this to my energy-absorber, THESIS. Going back to keeping everything to myself, I honestly don’t know what to do with this specific issue I have in mind. Not that I want this to become a hindrance to our turning-better-relationship, I was just really surprised. Maybe I overlooked this one. Puh-lease…

2006-09-21T19:55:00.000+08:00

I hope this time we'll do it right!

I love you so much baby!

2006-09-14T09:58:00.000+08:00

For the last two weeks, all I’ve worried about are deadlines. Four weeks left from sem-break but I can’t feel it nearing. In fact, it’s as if we are just starting the semester. In spite of everything, I can’t resist thinking about my personal relationship. I make it a point that no matter how busy I am, I still have time for myself or should I say time with my partner. The sad thing is we don’t feel the same. We both admit that we’re not as happy as before. At first, I’m in denial of everything. Being such an idealistic person, I always weigh things in a different approach. Practically, by always being the person in charge, I should always be prepared with a way out to every dilemma. But what now? I can’t think of anything. I have no choice but to spill these emotions I have never shared anyone before. Actually, it feels good and weird at the same time. I have been known as the person who keeps everything by herself. I don’t want to disclose my vulnerability. BUT NOW, I HAVE TO. Hearing from two concerned friends that I can’t always carry the can, I have finally opened up. What’s peculiar about the situation is that the person who listened to me is the least I expected.

At this point, I somehow want to be carefree. Thanks to someone who gladly divulges his thoughts. And thanks to Yam who doesn’t easily give up on our relationship. I know we can work things out. I love you.

2006-08-21T15:53:00.000+08:00

I just got back from our three-day retreat. Initially, I was homesick, the room is so blunt that me and Nikki (my roommate) have to drape around colorful things we brought with us. Adding to my lonesomeness is the thought that my aunt who resides in Canada will leave the country on the second day I’m away from home. But then, as the sessions go on I realized that I need this retreat. It helped me let go of the grudges, grieves, and guilt feelings. The most helpful activity would be the burning of the letter where we put in destructive characteristics that we have, past that should be laid to rest and names of persons we got issues with (not to forget them but to bury the nuisances they bring), but I also enjoyed the activity where we wrote what we like about each other. I was (good) surprised with what they thought of me. I would never forget this retreat and I would never want to. It brought me tears and laughter, more of the latter in fact. There had been issues opened up, most of it unsettled but it definitely made us closer to each other. And for the first time in history, I got no issues; it feels weird actually, but better this way. Just last night, I feel so bad not being with them before I go to sleep. I had no choice but to go to bed early. I so miss the talks, the laughs, the revelations that astounded me and the yosi breaks. It also feels delightful that I have talked to everyone. I will surely keep the precious memories.

2006-07-30T20:27:00.000+08:00

Staying together at present is one thing and considering the future is another. As I have thought about the latter, I decided to come clean. Easy as it seems, it took me all the efforts I needed. Years have passed and it turned out to be thorny. Affairs, issues, occurrences - those are part of my history. It’s all buried at the very back of my mind until nights ago. I acted like a child who’s very frightened to lose her teddy bear that is at all times beside her as she sleeps. Solely in my case, I am afraid to wake up one day and find out that I lost my lover, my best friend and my everything. Bemused as I was, without any other reason aside from hoping to be still with him in the future, I have decided to clean my closet. It was a long and exhausting night for me, just what I expected. I got what I deserved. Maybe I overlooked the situation and forgot that what I said is too much to take in one night. But then, I’m one hell of a lucky girl. Only a day after, he realized that he cannot live without me and we chose to put everything behind us and learn from it. I can’t be more proud of our relationship. We know everything about each other and that’s what we’re holding on to plus the trust, love, and faith in Him.

Amorimuchifiniti baby… Muchimuchimoo! (Line from our usual conversation)

2006-07-19T13:18:00.000+08:00

Recently, situations got me thinking of what I’m capable of and what I’m not. Then I have realized that as time goes by, aptitudes can swerve in a total deviating path. As I am on my way to being a stronger person, carrying behind my back all that experiences have taught me, it hit me in a sec how brittle I am becoming yet again. Listening to a friend’s burden, I suppressed my tears remembering how it feels as I have been in her shoes long before. Evoking how I triumph over the unfortunate circumstance (though I know I am defeated big time in replace), now I wonder why I’m far from being that strong person I knew. Prior to our conversation, it is apparent for me that I am strong mentally, emotionally, and even physically for a certain matter. Very self-reliant in that case for I vastly get the picture that not everyone has a fairytale ending. But now, I confess to being dependent and flimsy most especially to my mate. To make this long story short, I’m back to starting line. Looking forward to picking up values that would aid me in this race. I absolutely do not like to reach the end line soon, but I’m definitely not going backwards.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

2006-07-11T17:57:00.000+08:00

Why do I always have to be around outlandish people? Not that being weird is a terrible thing; in fact I own up to being one too. I love being weird, I have lots of unusual habits. But please not weird weird! You see, it’s good there is someone who can relate to me. In that way, I am not the only one who’ll be crazy assuming reasons behind this matter. Ignorance is bliss (very true Nix). Unfortunately, we’re not given the pleasure to experience it. How can we be ignorant about something laid upon our eyes? How can we disregard something done to us repeatedly? If truth be told, this has become a habit. A habit I’ve longed long enough to get rid of, I know others do too. Bearing in mind I have given up, this still bothers me. Now how would I treat this person? I actually have no idea; I suppose I have to deal with it day after day.

2006-06-25T10:28:00.000+08:00

Today’s just one of the many days I love and hate crying at the same time. I love it because it diminishes the sting I feel every time I get baffled why this and that happened to me, and why there’s no one who can understand me. But I hate it for making my eyes all puffed-up and my nose as scarlet as it can be. Plus, I’m not the person who shows members of the family how distressed I am. I prefer too keep it all on my own. That’s just not my blatant image. They see me as this very serious person, determined, straightforward and sometimes rude; all these to hide how I really feel. I hope this is not considered as being dishonest to my family. I just love them so much I don’t want to show them my weaknesses and flaws. They are used seeing me as this keen person and as long as I can, they would never see me falter.

2006-06-12T10:17:00.000+08:00

Against all odds, a situation I never wished to get into. I’m used to hear not-so-good things about me but about us, especially about him? It hurts to know that the most wonderful person I know is treated as the black sheep of their family, or atleast that’s how he feels. I get ahead of watching fairy tales but I can’t deny the fact that there are times I’m hoping I’m living in one, that though there are villains present I’m pretty sure there’s a happy ending waiting around the corner. There is a possibility that someone might read this item and maybe leave an unpleasant comment but since I did this, now there’s a fifty-fifty chance of it. Just so you know or just so YOU ALL know, I’m not saying I knew him better or maybe I do huh. The point is I’m begging you all to understand him. I can’t stand knowing that there are lots of issues bothering him. What’s worse is that he doesn’t know how to pour it out, even to me. I won’t act as the nice girl here; I would never be that in your eyes. I confess I didn’t try hard, it’s just not me. All I can offer is a promise that I won’t let him be in the wrong end. It may seem we already are, but there are matters that you don’t understand and we’ve readied ourselves for years of explanation.

Please try hard not to misinterpret us, start embracing the fact that we love each other.

Hoping for a happy ending… for everyone.

2006-05-04T10:11:00.000+08:00

Can you believe it, I'm here in our office. The second they left me alone, I got my hands on this keyboard. Wahaha! It's too early so I guess I have nothing yet to do. I'm actually planning to leave early, I wanna watch a movie. I miss Town too... Plus it's our monthsary. Hehe... For sure, I'll be in the editing room the whole day again... Ta-ta! =)

2006-05-03T06:39:00.000+08:00

Who wouldn’t say ‘life is so ironic’? I tell you, I am a living proof and yesterday, I was slapped on my face by yet another confirmation. Because of my summer internship, I do not have much of the time which I usually do for literally lying down the whole day watching DVD’s. So you know, yesterday was a big day-off for me. Apparently, I took advantage of it and watched two movies, one of it twice. These movies are feel-good ones that I was so inspired to practically start enjoying everything life can offer. Moving on, last night a friend of mine is asking for advices. Uhmm, actually he didn’t ask for it but it all kind of slipped out of me. See, that’s the aftermath of watching rousing movies. But then, I am glad I was able to help. I feel so good that if someone is with me, I know he or she will be able to see a luminous smile. Now here comes the part where it all became twisted… Merely before I sleep, I was hoping for that peaceful night to remain but instead deception takes place. The very last thing I needed after an amazing day. Yes, the once smiling face is now covered with tears. There is no need of giving details, to make it simple, I was fooled once again and to make it worse, I have to do somewhat my own investigation just to learn the truth. Isn’t life so great? Another challenge for me huh.

Why not? Life is great; from now on I’ll appreciate everything from it.

2006-04-25T19:07:00.000+08:00

It is hard to function well when you cannot oblige yourself to do work. Mentally I know I can do every errand they will ask of me. The thing is, can ‘mind over matter’ rule this time? Going back and forth Parañaque City and Quezon City everyday is draining every bit of energy I have. Now what? Asthma. I’m so not good in struggling against my sudden weariness which actually transpires most of the times. What more if I’m sick? I was an optimistic person and I want to believe I still am. I just hope I can bring together all that is that would help me fight this physical and mental crisis. Oh dear, I just caused possible readers to think I’m crazy. I’m absolutely in a clear state of mind. I just have this sickness of having too many thoughts, as in too much that I tend to go beyond considering what could, would, and should happen. I guess the best thing to do now is to take a rest, and that is physically and mentally.

Enjoy your vacation! As for me and the other interns this summer, let’s try to learn and enjoy at the same time!

By the way, please do watch Women’s Desk of QTV-11. Every Thursday, 10pm. Haha, mag-plug daw ba?! Siyempre nasa CBB name ko. =)

2006-04-12T11:57:00.000+08:00

Since I still have plenty of time to waste before my internship, I have acquired this habit of staying in a room alone and having a personal reflection. One word always pops out of my mind when I’m doing this, ‘complicated’! That’s what I am to myself and I guess to some who are very close to me. Just a while ago, I’ve encountered this bulletin post in Friendster and it rang true, or maybe just for me.

DECEMBER:
This straight-up means ur the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

I have emphasized some words that really caught my attention, along with the thought ‘that’s really me’. I admit the fact that my being so complicated causes trouble with my boyfriend. I’m really working hard on it, but the more I think about things, the more I became complicated. Now I understand why some prefers to be naïve. I also have this problem of constantly nagging my boyfriend that I think I’m lucky he’s still with me. Because I think a lot, I need to pour it out. I’m at my worst that I once received this text message: ‘Silence is much more deafening. It’s better to say it once, clear and swift. Remember walang tumatagal sa nagger’. Thanks to that person, now I’m having a hard time trying to shut my mouth. Oh, that’s a lie, haha! How can I nag when there’s no one to, he’s in vacation and we don’t talk much. OH, STOP! I think it would be better not to think and plan much. MUCH BETTER, NO DISAPPOINTMENTS! =)

2006-03-30T13:11:00.000+08:00

How do you define happiness? Before, I thought I can flawlessly describe the word until this week. I was so disappointed with myself. It’s like half of me is being a brat who cares about nothing but to get what she wants, and the other half (which I’m hoping to dominate the other) of me is trying to establish the fact that I know what to prioritize in life. My oh my, I’m telling you it’s hard struggling with oneself. (Much more if I mean this literally, haha!) Anyways, I guess this is the time to straighten out things a little.

First and foremost, I have to finish my studies and then…

Work > Money > youngest sister’s schooling + savings > future family + charity works

Or maybe some adjustments would do and I can spend some for clothes, shoes, accessories, gimmicks, trips…Aargh!

2006-02-25T17:24:00.000+08:00

I’ve been busy for a while and I guess everyone is, doing their own business. Nevertheless, I make sure that I have a time for taking in all the things that’s happening around me and do my own comprehension and reflection of it. Unfortunate of me, almost everything that’s materializing is unpleasant. The perfect word to describe it is dreadful, or horrible, or shocking maybe. Whatever it is, it’s definitely not good. Yet, people seem not to care.

First, the Ultra Tragedy. The people keep on asking: Who’s to blame? Is it the show who claims they want to help the poor? Do they really want to help or they just want the publicity they receive and so the advertisers can see who’s being watched by whom? Yup, the mass, great number there huh! On the other hand, is it not the government who do not provide the work for these people? Maybe. Or is it the people who are dreaming to have instant money for their living? I have my stand regarding this issue, maybe I already have disclosed one earlier, (my bad) still I don’t want to focus on that. What I want is to pour out the whole lot that’s been inside my head some time now. Why are these happening? Here’s another: the landslide in Leyte. At first I thought the Ultra Tragedy is enough to remind us Filipinos of perhaps the things we ought not to do. But hey, here’s another reminder for us; people covered by mud. Is there still someone to blame here? I guess not. It’s the nature who’s working. For what? I assume maybe for us to be reminded how ruthless some of us can be, how unforgiving, how corrupt, how unruly, and how forgetful of Him. Yes, HIM. It’s a shame that innocent lives suffered from the evil works of others. And yesterday, what? An attempt to destabilize the administration. I’m not for the administration neither the opposition. I just want everyone to realize what’s truly happening, and not even that the Media is just presenting. Oh yes, it’s sad that the industry I’m entering has now forgotten their duty: to exist as the dog watch of the government, to be the Fourth Estate, and not to take advantage of their power. I actually believe Spiderman when he said that: ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ (am I right?). But now, with great power, who cares about the responsibility? Whew! Big problem.

I admit that my relationship with my boyfriend wobbled lately but I’m proud to say that we’re still doing well. How? We admit our mistakes. Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to say sorry, then again I realized it’s harder to say it when there’s already no one who’ll listen, or maybe just hear it. Anyhow, I just want you all to know that we should rebuke our wrongdoings before it’s too late.

Sorry, I was not aware that what I’m typing is lengthy now; this is a bundle of thoughts kept for a long time. Busy me. It’s a good thing summer vacation is near. The bad thing is: practicum. So I guess it’s busy me again huh? =)

2006-01-20T12:00:00.000+08:00

Our work is starting to pile up. Fortunately, I can still manage it. I'm actually looking forward to directing an MTV, and that's two weeks from now. I have to start shooting this monday or else, I'm dead. Ideas in my head are fighting over to what should be seen or not in the video. And so, I'm trying to get opinion from others. By others I mean Yam. Haha...

Time to work. Even if I'm not in our place. Busy.....

Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T16:26:00.000+08:00

This past year was a TOTAL BLAST! But honestly, I quite expected all those things to happen. Who wouldn’t? First, as in first month of the year, I reconciled with Yam. After that, I know everything will be fine. Yes, we have ups and downs, but that don’t matter to us as long as we have each other. As long as I am with the person who understands every little thing that I say, who loves everything in me, who would drink coffee and talk everything under the sun for hours with me, I know everything will be perfectly safe in its place. NOTHING BROKEN. When it comes to my family, what else could I ask for? We all are absolutely well, we may not be perfectly rich who can spend a lot for their luxury but we are happy. AND COMPLETE. As for my studies, pressure is still there but I can live with it. Actually, I think that is the reason why I’m doing well. The only thing I didn’t expect is that I’ll make it in the dean’s list. Now, PRESSURE IS ON ME yet again. How about with my friends? I love that they are getting bigger. Not you mamey, haha. And I thank you all guys for the company. I ENOYED IT a lot. Hoping for another blissful year. If you’ll look into my life in 2005, it has a lot of changes. Changes that I needed long before. But I’ve patiently waited and now I got my prize.

Thank you to everyone who touched my life (positively and negatively), even in the very tiniest way. I really like to post all your names but that would take long and I might miss out someone. I definitely don’t want that to happen. Generally, thank you to my family, my friends, and most of all to Yam, the very key to all the changes that transpired.

I love you guys. May God bless each and every one of us. Enjoy the coming year.

LIVE IT, LOVE IT!

2005-12-14T17:02:00.000+08:00

A friend and I talked about something and I never thought I'll still hear what she said. Nevermind the details, the point is backstabbers would never leave my side. I thought everything is really fine now. I mean, everyone's doing good, or maybe that's what I thought. I can't blame myself, that's what I saw. Now I don't know who's pretending and who's not. But then, I really don't give a damn. If you really have to act just to let others believe you're fine, go ahead. Live another year fooling yourself. You know what I think? You want everyone admiring you for being the disciplined person they know, the person who always has brilliant ideas. The thing is, you’re the complete opposite. Even you don’t know that. But guess what? I pity you. I’m actually not mad or anything. I’m just curious about the real you, very discontented with life I guess.

2005-12-09T20:09:00.000+08:00

Since I don't have time pulling thoughts out of my strained head these busy days, I will let you guys and gals ponder upon these simple yet appealing messages I have received these past few days.

*One night, the boy asked her girl to marry him. The girl gave him a challenge, to live a day without her; no communication between them for 24 hours. He can only commuicate to her after that day. The girl promises to marry him right after he do it and the boy call it a deal not knowing that the girl has only 24 hours to live because she is suffering from an illness. After 24 hours, the boy went to the girl's house holding a ring. He was surprised knowing she's dead. The mother gave him a letter saying: You did it! I love you and yes I will marry you. Can you do it again... everyday?

*Every time the couple made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. After twenty years, the wife turned on the lights and found him holding a vibrator! She went ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you have lied to me all these years?!" The husband looks to her straight in the eyes and calmly said: "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."

Hmmm...

2005-11-26T21:03:00.000+08:00

This one is a forwarded message from a friend. Read it and you'll definitely learn from it.

A little bird was flying in winter. The bird froze and fell to the ground. A cow came by and dropped some dung on it. The bird realized how warm it was and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and dug him out and ate the bird.

Moral of the story is:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

True.

2005-11-05T19:50:00.000+08:00

Nice people are not that hard to find, or are they? I may not be aware of everyone’s definition of nice but for me, it’s not utterly the same as good. Nice people are those who patiently shun annoying things that can probably irritate me within a minute time or less. Nice people also have this prospect of letting alone the victims of too much self-confidence. Oh, sorry but I’m far from being like that. If I am a character in the book Shopaholic, it would be my hobby giving almost everyone the ‘Manhattan Onceover’ which in their lexis is checking a person from head to toe and estimating entirely the cost of their get up. Mean? Oh! Wait ‘til you here me and my cousins badmouth a person all at the same time. I know, I know! This is nothing to be proud of. What I’m saying is that I’m just a human; I do have a pair of eyes to set upon whoever passes my way. I can be so aggravated like others but in my case it’s so often, like everyday I guess. *sniff* You think it’s easy to be nice? Ofcourse not! Hihi! I’d rather be good which in my rationale has deep-rooted meaning than just being nice. This, I think, has something to do with what you really intend; something that really comes out from the heart and not the mouth. Drop it, there are more times you hurt someone unconsciously than being aware of it. Right? But can you say you’re a bad person? Hmmm…

It’s good to be nice, but it’s better to be good. *winks* Happy, happy everyone! =)

2005-10-24T18:35:00.000+08:00

What would you feel when somebody tells you, "You love me so much, I'm scared"?
Insulted? Uhmm... maybe. But can you give any explanation why without scaring her/him more? *sigh* This is hard.

-I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. Stephan Grellet

2005-10-14T14:32:00.001+08:00

Never in my life have I ever dreamt of something that I wish is real. I feel like complete that very moment. It's like I needed nobody to live for. It's right there before my hands. The only fear is how can I make it live. And I mean forever with me. Unfortunate of me, it was only a dream. A dream I want to live by hopefully. Can I make it real? Let's see... On second thought, maybe not now, maybe when everything's stable. *sigh* I want it real soon.

There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

2005-10-05T20:38:00.000+08:00

SO BE IT!

The famous line in our block. Thanks to our professor in Sociology.

If you would think about it, no one will be bothered by anything if we all live by this thought. Who cares if you failed an exam, it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Right? If you don't like me, so be it! If you will be caught by your boyfriend/girlfriend cheating and he/she dumped you, so be it! If you preferred to be a bum forever, so be it! If you want to pretend just to get along well with others, (why do others act like this anyway?! Haha, losers!) so be it! If you always want to get attention from others, so be it! If you want to eat a lot, so be it! If you want to smoke, so be it! If you want to be crazy in love, so be it! If you want to be a martyr, so be it! The list goes on and on...If you want to do anything, so be it! If you want to be someone, so be it!

On the other hand, not everything should be treated this way. There are things we should give extra time to think about. And there are some things we should give extra effort to make it possible. Let's not deny the fact that we are not always satisfied with the results and in this kind of situation, we're absolutely far from saying: SO BE IT!

2005-09-28T10:18:00.000+08:00

Isn’t it bad to remember the things you ought to forget? But what if you have no choice but to refresh your memory and jot down each and every part of it? What a torture. It’s like undergoing hell all over again. But hey, would you believe it? It helped me a lot. How? *winks* My secret.

2005-09-25T13:37:00.000+08:00

Into the deep water, I’ve tried to drown myself. Instead of getting some grip, a lot has left running. I’ve braced myself hard, swam all the way up. Now I’m seeing something so clear. Will it light my face, or again blind me to something what I thought is real? I can’t figure it out. All I can feel is the warmth it’s giving me. I’m afraid it will leave me soon. I don’t want to feel the coldness yet again. I don’t want to feel unblessed. But then, I pushed the thought away. I won’t spoil this one. I’m enjoying it so much, even my worst fear subsided. Continuously, I’m enjoying it…*dang* Reality hits me. Nothing lasts forever. Especially if it’s not meant for me.

2005-09-12T09:24:00.000+08:00

I was so disappointed with myself after we stayed in the convent for two days and one night. I thought I will like it there since before I thought I have a 'calling'. Now I realize, I'm not sure I can stand it. Anyways, am I just so glad I can have my own family in the future. Maybe I'll serve Him by helping others even without staying in a convent. I can definitely deal with praying four times a day, but watching t.v. only in weekends, and at night only? Aargh! I'm not sure. I might sneak out at nights and watch t.v. In fact, me and my friends can't stand the silence anymore after what? Two hours? What more if I stayed there like forever. Also, I would definitely miss my family. They said they get to visit theirs once a year, and for three days only. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying it's no fun there. Actually some said they're really happy for staying inside the convent (Even if we asked them, 'given a chance, would you still enter the convent?'). Do we look like we're convincing them to change their minds??Haha. NO. We just want to see their reactions. And what do we get? A big YES. They won't change their minds and they even tell us stories how fun it is to stay there. There are nights everyone is so loud, as they say. Even the nuns. Oh yes...They are definitely having fun. Unfortunately, we don't have enough time to witness those moments. After absorbing the facts, I've just proven to myself they really have a 'calling'. How do I know? Because you can see it in them. We actually asked them how did they know they have a 'calling'. All of them answered this: 'Mararamdaman mo na lang. Walang pwedeng magdikta sayo tungkol diyan.' So, I'll wait. They said some would feel it even their late 30's. I don't want to have a miserable family life. Do you know that? If you have a 'calling' and you didn't respond to it rightly, you'll have a miserable life. I certainly don't want that to happen. Unfortunately, no one could help me know if I have a 'calling'. It's me who'd feel it right? There are lots of 'what if's' that's entering my mind right now. Enough of this, I just hope I would not end up having a MISERABLE LIFE.

2005-09-05T18:54:00.000+08:00

It is never good to blame your wrong to someone else. Hence there are times you wish that someone else exists. It hurts to know you've done something stupid, it hurts more to acknowledge the fact that you can't do anything to bring back the time and correct your wrong, and, it hurts very much to accept that it is you who decided upon that deed. There's no one else, but you. It makes you very guilty, right? But what can we do, as I say, there's no one to blame.

It's hard to forgive myself, and it's definitely hard to forget, but I suppose I've learned much. I guess what I have to do is to move on... and face the consequences, if there's more. I hope not.

2005-08-30T12:48:00.000+08:00

Let’s be familiar with the seven capital sins. Honestly, I can’t say I know very well the essence of these. All I can share is some of my understanding. In the end, we shall spot one that will leave uncertainty in our mind. If you can’t resist to oppose me, that’s not a problem. You can always leave your comments.

Sloth means laziness, but in this case, it’s not just being lazy doing your chores. It is being lazy toward religious acts. What do people get from committing this sin? I don’t really know how to explain this, but maybe (I’m just guessing here); they get to resist doing something they don’t actually believe in. It doesn’t mean that they don’t believe in God, some are just too radical to think that they don’t really need to do such acts.

Pride? At least some thought they have saved themselves from humiliation. In being greedy, they get the money they wanted. Anger? Oh let’s admit it, it’s hard not to show this feeling and it feels good if we let this out once in a while. In gluttony, this does not pertain only to food, but to entertainment and other legitimate goods, and even the company of others. So I don’t think I need to explain why others commit this sin. Lust? Well, because of the pleasure in the offing. But what about envy? What’s in store for us? I can’t think of any.

So please…Can somebody tell me what others get from being envious?

2005-08-28T16:59:00.000+08:00

The flower lady was smiling, her wrinkled old face alive with joy. On impulse I picked out a flower. "You look happy this morning," I said. "Why not? Everything is good." She was dressed so shabbily and seemed so frail that her reply startled me. "You wear your troubles well." "When Jesus was crucified on Good Friday, that was the worst day for the whole world. Then three days later-Easter. So, when I get troubles, I've learned to wait three days. Somehow everything gets all right again." and she smiled good-bye. Her words still follow me whenever I think I have troubles. "Wait three days." -Guideposts

2005-08-18T18:36:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt so stepped down? I do. Honestly, it felt weird. I never cried over some feeling and in front of somebody. Thank God, He’s given me someone who’ll fully understand me. Yam, thanks for keeping me sane. That time I felt so down, I can’t resist feeling so lucky too. Thank you for hearing me out, thank you for saying the words I think is too much to heal the pain, thank you for the comfort you’ve given me, and lastly, thank you for staying.

2005-08-18T18:30:00.000+08:00

Different personalities, shall we say, came from the fact that we are all unique. It is a good excuse huh?! Hence, to no surprise, because of these differences, we sometime create conflict though we try hard not to. Well, at least for some. We can’t please everybody. The good part about it? I don’t need or even want to please everybody. What’s the use of this room for improvement? And yes, I’d be more willing to please only those who truly care. Who cares anyway if you don’t like me? I bet you don’t even know half of me. That’s why you misjudged me. Your loss. =)

2005-08-01T08:32:00.000+08:00

If you are a celebrity, how would you feel if there's very less privacy left for you? I am not, so I don't know but the fact that I somehow feel this way at times makes me ponder on that thought. What more can happen?

People are so easily deceived. We tend to give ourselves the right to judge just by looking at others or sometimes just by knowing a very little information about them. But ofcourse we shouldn't. This is why I think many of us are fooled by the actors and actresses who we really thought had an affair with another celebrity though in fact this is just a gimmick that is part of their promotions for a movie.

Back at my point, how are they able to take all the rumors? If it's the truth, how can they manage the fact that people who you are not close with know almost everything about you? I just think it sucks. Worse, I think it's scary. You might not know someone might use it against you.

Along with this thought, you blogmates out there, do you think the people who read our posts have the right to judge us? The mere fact that we post it for the public to read, yes we have given them the permission to enter our thoughts but I don't think it means, 'Go ahead read this one and tell me what you think of me'. Guys, guys... These are just a fraction of what we truly are, don't get us wrong.

I may not be a nice person but I am a good one.

2005-07-27T21:14:00.000+08:00

“I had run for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours…I’m pretty tired…I think I’ll go home now.”
-Forrest Gump

I guess we can never run away.

I have a lot of interpretations of this line, but the first thing that comes in my mind is that we can never run away from our problems forever. Whatever we do, there will come a time that we should face it. Maybe not now nor sooner, but we still have to. Let's admit it, it's also tiring to run away from our problems. It even chases us in our dreams. That's the hardest part of it, it's in our minds. So I suppose it's inseparable unless solved.

So, what's yours?

2005-07-25T14:52:00.000+08:00

It's hard to empathize because whatever we do,
what the other person feels will never be entirely the same as ours.

- Can

Haphazard

2005-07-20T07:59:00.000+08:00

Future? Too many plans for that.
Help? Start with little, not a charity.
Career? What do I really like?
Family? Can I manage having one while traveling a lot?
House? Build your parents’ first not yours.
Friends? I hope they’re for real. Because I am.
Someone special? Very special.
Social life? Contented.
Vices? I know my limitations.
Enemies? No one. But maybe some consider me as one.
Religious? Spiritual.
Desires? Sandals and clothes.
Frustration? My height.
Annoyed? Yeah.
Hate? No.
Love? Trying to fill my system with this.
Money? Saving it now.
Occasions? Wedding and debut.
Deadlines? I establish my own. Earlier for sure.

What? I found myself asking. Myself too. Answering the questions as briefly as I can. For any purpose? NO, I don’t have one. Maybe some kind of self-reflection.
It may serve as I reminder too. By the way, it releases some anxiety. Weird? I know.

For Every Woman

2005-07-18T12:02:00.000+08:00

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong,
there is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb,
there is a man who is burdened with the constant expectation of knowing everything.

For every woman who is tired of being called an “emotional female”,
there is a man who is denied the right to weep and be gentle.

For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children,
there is a man who is denied the full pleasure of shared parenthood.

For every woman who is denied meaningful employment and equal pay,
there is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for another human being.

For every woman, who was not taught the intricacies of an automobile,
there is a man who was not taught the satisfaction of cooking.

For every woman who takes a step towards her own liberation,
there is a man who finds that the way to freedom has been made a little easier.

-Nancy Smith

Stories of life

2005-07-17T19:04:00.000+08:00

Many people love watching movies; from romantic movies to action to comedy, horror, sci-fi, whatever genre it is as long as the story is good and entertaining. At times, films are watched only because of the actors and actresses, why not, I sometimes do that. Personally, I really love watching movies. It is my manner of escaping reality. In fact, when I’m watching one, I feel so attach that I actually see myself in it. In that way, I’d really understand the story. Also, I at least free myself from the daily stresses life brings.

Just last Friday, in our class in Radio Production; our professor shared some of his stories. I like hearing his stories. For me, it is so inspiring just like this one: He said that during his high school days, he and his bestfriend are very fond of watching movies. They are actually cutting classes just to watch some independent films at the Cultural Center of the Philippines (CCP). This habit of theirs was brought all through their lives, not that they’re still cutting classes. Last Thursday night, they watched independent films again at CCP. In the middle of watching one, my professor tells his bestfriend “Galing mo ah, ikaw na ngayon dahilan bakit nagka-cut ng classes yung ibang estudyante.” My professor said that they really both have passion in films. Actually, just to be able to create a movie, his bestfriend borrowed little money to some of their friends. Finally, his movie is now shown at CCP. It is one of the independent films in ‘Cinemalaya’.

Movies, movies, movies…I don’t know if I can create one and so my plan is to at least write one. I am reading ‘Trip to Quiapo’ by Ricky Lee. It is a scriptwriting manual. Honestly, I enjoy reading it. It’s as if writing is very easy as long as you have a lot of experiences in life. The point is it’s not. There are lots of processes to be done. Hence, it won’t stop me from doing so. I can’t actually wait to travel and mingle with people who have different stories in life. Who cares if in the end it won’t be liked by others? We have different styles. Just like in the movies, everything we see is intended; it is not by chance that we saw it. Everything has its own reason. That’s why I also adore symbolisms; it really makes you reflect on things. Good excuse?! Haha…

We have our own passions in life, it maybe now seen by others or not. But whatever it is, we should make it possible. Don’t let others besiege you with things that won’t help at all. In fact, you can use it as a learning mechanism. EMBRACE EVERYTHING IN LIFE, THE JOYS AND THE SORROWS. It is those that make your life story more meaningful than others and worthy of our attention. Who knows, it may be from your story that people will pick up a lot of lessons.

2005-07-11T14:48:00.000+08:00

It’s hard to give your words to those who you know have something to say back already. Instead of understanding each other, it adds more space between you two. But what the heck?! Give it a try, take the risk and tell your side or you rather keep silent and let them misjudged you all the way. What’s worse is that you grew up with them; you sleep under the same roof. How can you keep up with that? Don’t let them think you are rebelling against them, because you are not. They just misinterpreted a lot of things about you. You are a good person; you just know how to enjoy life. If they are to ask people who knew you, for sure they are to say these: He is a very responsible person, he goes out with friends but absolutely knows his limitations, and he’ll definitely have a good future ahead. So if I were you, speak up! It will do less harm if you talk to them as soon as possible. Good luck! I’ll always be here for you.

2005-07-10T18:31:00.001+08:00

Last night was a total blast. Me and my boyfriend went out. Well, we just drink a couple of beers each and talk about a lot of stuffs, from politics to my future plans (not actually including him, who knows?) and some things that are happening in our own families. I'm not going to tell you the details, I just want to share how good it feels to somehow enjoy a moment with you two alone, just steady.

I don't know how to describe the feeling. Maybe you can help? Hmmm... I don't think so. It's so unique that all I can say is that it's only the two of us who understand each other fully. I don't think I'll ever forget that talk. It's like I opened everything to him yet I feel proud of every bit and not ashamed at all, not even my past(Whew!). There are also a lot of realizations that happened and to those who we feel furious at altered to something that leaves no sign of abhorrence.

We just feel very happy and contented with each other, with our relationship, and with the trust we built strong enough to dismay those who want us separated.

Perplexed

2005-07-03T18:24:00.000+08:00

I'm not thinking of you but you keep showing up in my dreams. I don't know why and I don't want to know the reasons behind it. I may be confused yet I'm considering the fact that it’s better not to assume on things. This would be the last.

Horoscope

2005-07-02T10:29:00.000+08:00

As much as you may want to give somebody what for and let them know your (unexpurgated) opinions about professional, vocational, partnership, or family matters, you are strongly encouraged to pass. The Sun and over-the-top Jupiter are using each other for target practice, and the chance of getting caught in their cross fire are not petite. Today's star rating: ***

Huh?

Irony

2005-06-30T18:01:00.000+08:00

When I lock myself up in a room and I’m alone, that’s the time I feel utterly free.

2005-06-26T18:41:00.000+08:00

We’ve just watched ‘Monster-in-Law’ yesterday and I think it’s very appealing to those who experienced the same thing. To those who doesn’t get along well with the parent/s of their partner. Truthfully, I can’t say I know the feeling since I’m far from being married, hence I know the fact that it’s hard if one feels he/she is not welcome to the family-to-be.

There are a lot of situations where in a person gets stuck in between the fight or misunderstanding of his/her two most important persons in his/her life. Definitely, this circumstance is difficult to deal with, the thing is do someone really has to choose between the two? I don’t know. There are times you just want to fight for your love, like against-all-odds, and there are times you just feel so close to your family that it is hard to stick with your loved one. Ehem...

As of now, I just want to feel like I don’t care whether his family likes me or not. It’s not like I have to deal with them the rest of my life. We still don’t know. But then, it differs a lot if you know the family likes you.

Why now?

2005-06-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

Why do you have to come back now you know I'm happy and contented with my life? I hate to say this but you really are selfish. I am tired of hearing your line 'selfish na kung selfish' just to get what you want. I often hear that from you before that we're together and what now? I'm not mad with you or anything, it's okay if you want to talk to me but I don't want to hear bullshits from you anymore. Most of all, I don't want my friends hating me since they thought I'm entertaining you. Please don't get mad with them. They just care a lot. They are the ones who are there for me the time I needed you most, especially Lek and Tj.

All I want is for you to understand my situation. I can't fight for you just like before. They knew what happened, and I don't want to end up doing something stupid again. Please, just be happy for me. I'll be glad if you do that. Thanks, since I learned a lot from you. God bless!

In our class

2005-06-15T20:31:00.000+08:00

Before leaving the house, I make sure I have a fan with me. My class will start at 1:30 in the afternoon and I need an hour to get to my school. This means I have to bear with the heat of the sun at noontime. As I’m getting irritated, I make myself think of the class, and I said to myself ‘it better be good’.

In my Sociology class, we expected our professor to be such a terror, but we’re all wrong. I actually sense that the next meetings will be fun. It’s not that he tells jokes or something but I guess all the stuffs he told us are interesting to discuss. Not only that, there are things he said that really makes me wonder.

As we started, he first told us to ‘feel free to ask anything’. I know it’s mean of me but the first thing that comes in my mind is to ask why his polo shirt looks like a tablecloth. However, his next line is ‘as long as it’s connected to our topic’. Anyways, I know I won’t have the guts to ask him that. After a while, he asked everybody if we’re user-friendly. Ofcourse many answered ‘no’. But then, he explained to us that it is indeed a usual thing though we’re not aware of it. We all tend to go along with individuals who have things we don’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean material things, it may be an attitude or quality. This is to cover for what we don’t have. In addition, he said that we’re going to discuss sexuality; part is that we’ll study the eight genders in the society. Yes, you read that right, he said that we now have eight genders in the society. Hmm…

Lastly, he shared to us his experience in Amsterdam. There he said that in public shower rooms, girls and guys share one, and mind you, no partitions. He explained to us that in that place, tolerance is very high. Things that are illegal here are pretty much legal there, drugs, euthanasia, and others. On the contrary, they have less crime rate, less population and they’re actually pulling foreigners to stay there. And here we are lots of Christian communities around but a lot of problems too. But do you think it really is contradicting? Doesn’t it make sense? There is less crime rate there since everything seems like legal for them. But then my professor said there’s a deeper reason for that. Now, I’m getting more curious. I’ll certainly listen to that discussion.

Next time I’ll share with you guys what we have discussed in class especially for those who became curious on what the other genders are.

Fibber

2005-06-13T07:50:00.000+08:00

Why do some people need to lie? Do they really need to or they just opt to? I guess some situations are justifiable but that of to keep something from someone who expected you to tell her everything that should be, I don’t think so.

I do respect someone’s privacy and I do know my limitations, however, I also know my rights. And I know enough that I don’t deserve to hear fibs, especially from someone who I trusted fully. However, I won’t force you. It’s up to you if you like to gain my trust again or keep everything to yourself and suffer the consequences. I won't mind.

Clueless

2005-06-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

I don’t have any idea on what am I going to discuss now. I just feel like keying in the words that enters my mind. Yes, I’m definitely bored. I’ve got nothing to do yet I can’t sleep. I have no place to lie down here in my parent’s room where it is air-conditioned and I definitely don’t want to stay in my room since afternoons are really hot even if it’s raining lately. I just hate the weather now. It makes my head twinge every now and then. That rapid change of temperature really sucks.

I’ve got nothing new to read so I’m stuck here in reality unlike when I’m reading something. It’s as if I’m in a different world doing some adventures. I can’t wait for the new Harry Potter book. I just hope I have a free time for that when it’s released, perhaps less homework. Anyways, I just remember I have 3-hour break during Tuesdays and Thursdays so I guess it’ll work.

Is this what really happened to those people like me who’re stuck at home? Got nothing to do, have nothing to say, got nothing, plain and simple. Oh! I just remember that super cute sandals in Mendrez. I wish I have the money to buy that. I wonder why but lately instead of craving for clothes, it’s those sandals that I yearn for. I think now I’ve got a lot of reasons to be excited for school. I’ll absolutely have things to do, plus I’ll be able to save some money from my allowance to buy stuffs I want. But before that, there’s something personal that I need to put up some money for. Hmm… I think I need to sacrifice some things first.

Well, I guess I’m talking nonsense here so I better end it now before someone reacts viciously. I promise to post something sensible next time. Just bear with me now. Thanks and have a nice day everyone.

Excited to get married?!

2005-06-11T07:52:00.000+08:00

I don’t know why but it just came up to me how hard yet stimulating it would be to organize a wedding, whether how simple or fancy it is. Many said they don’t care if the celebration is big but let’s admit it, we girls fancy the very best. And if it is possible, we like to celebrate it like how it happened for those who have a lot of money even if it really is not practical. It’s like a fairy tale or a dream come true.

Isn’t it fascinating how you stun those people around you by your dream dress? Isn’t it overwhelming in the sense you provide your guests with luscious meals and drinks? You would definitely feel like a princess treated just the way you wanted to. I know it’s too early to think about this but it feel so thrilling to organize your wedding, from your dress to the foods and everything.

Hmm, where would I start? Ofcourse I would like my dress to be very elegant, but I can’t explain the details yet. I know I might change my mind when I see another exquisite design. Maybe that would take a lot of time. Then there are the flowers; those that would be decorated along the aisle of the church, those that would be place in the table for the reception, and lastly, the one I’ll be holding while walking. Certainly I need to make sure that the foods and drinks are very succulent. Oh! Ofcourse I should not forget the cake. I’m getting so excited now… Then there are the souvenirs for the guests. I’ll make sure that that one will be so special; something that would remind them of this very special occasion, something that would remind them of us, me and my future husband. *sigh* I know there are many things I’m missing here but my mind’s racing. However, I should not forget the place. This I think won’t change, I want to get married in St. Andrew’s Cathedral since I grew near the place. Then, the reception would be somewhere I can create a different look. I know it’s weird but I get this idea from “Shopaholic Ties the Knot”. The reception is in a plaza where they created a forest look.

I know this preparation would be a lot of fun but I just learned that there are still a lot of things to organize. There are the legal matters to work on, the whole entourage to think about and loads of things to consider just like the budget, the worst of them all. That made me sad. With all of this stuff on my mind, I think I need to make myself rich. I can’t simply depend on my husband to be.

Living a lie

2005-06-03T13:14:00.000+08:00

Don’t you hate it when you’re being compared with someone? The pressure is definitely on top of you. It’s like struggling with their high expectations and instead you develop into a better person, you became someone who you don’t want to be. Nevertheless, you ensue on impressing them. Individuals who act this way are afraid to disappoint people around them. And those who are like these, would never achieve total happiness in life.

Who cares if it’s your brother who your parents are proud of? Who cares if your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is sweeter than you? Who cares if your friend is the apple of the eye of many and not you? Why do we have to live with other’s expectations? Does it have to do something with insecurity? People like these don’t give justice among themselves. They are trying hard to make an impression that is not essentially theirs. In the end, you wouldn’t be glad that people liked you while in the long run you knew you’re not acting yourself. People might be overwhelmed by you, but you’ll get tired of it. Pretending to be someone you’re far alike is not living at all.

Live life the way you wanted it to be. Don’t be afraid people might not like you, be yourself. And as long as you don’t hurt others along the way, life will guarantee you happiness.

It is never too late

2005-05-31T18:24:00.000+08:00

Do you believe that some things are just meant to come late in your life? Or is it simply something that you’ll be sorry at the end? Everything in life, though it seems not, comes at the right time for a specific reason. It may be late but believe me, it’s a matter of acceptance and interpretation of what had just happened. Whoever you are right now is merely because of the fact that some things came late, and I guess it helped a lot.

What do you think will happen when two or more guys will be involved with you all at the same time? I guess you’ll opt to choose one, or maybe not for those who can manage to cheat. Anyways, this is what I think will happen: No matter how nice the other guy is, you won’t be able to know him better since you prefer the one who you think will be much fun to be with. Hmm… But what if the nice guy came later? You won’t be needing all the guts you’ve pulled out yourself to dump him and hey, maybe that time you’ve just learned that Mr. Fun-guy-to-be-with is just good for exuberance and not when you two have problems to deal with. How about reversing the situation? The nice guy first. This time you’ll learn that you can’t handle his boring personality. If the funny guy came later on, you’ll have the chance to be with someone in your own league and who knows, he might not just be the funny guy but some guy who’ll be there with you no matter what. He just doesn’t show.

Hence, we’ve learned that no matter who or what comes late, it is because they’re meant to come late. The later they are, the more you became cultured from the past things that have happened. And when the time it comes, you’ll just be ready for it.

2005-05-29T08:32:00.000+08:00

Well, this post is all about my good friend Eryzle. As I received her message last night and tell me the big news, and by the way it’s a good one, thoughts came rushing in my head. All along I thought I’m braver since I’m the one who experienced a lot of burdens and thought have learned from it, but then here she is doing one valiant thing I didn’t do though I was given a chance like her.

As I mull over at some things, I remember stuff that we do when we’re together. We spend a lot of time that it became no biggy to spend hours and hours just the two of us. Yeah, we call it our date. Before going to our gimmick, and since it is too early, what we do is go to Makati and wait for time to pass. We both don’t know how to commute around the area so we’re dependent on cabs. In Makati, we usually wander around Glorietta and Greenbelt 3. This is what we do: Buy coffee at Starbucks, using the name of Eryzle to give the attendant a hard time spelling it out, stay outside and look around. Ofcourse with our eyes traveling, can’t resist criticizing. When dusk is approaching, we leave the area and go to Baywalk. There we meet our friends and off to our night life.

There are a lot of things we have in common, part is that we’re both sensitive and moody. And in times it seems like we’re going to clash each other’s way, we try hard to resist putting up a fight between the two of us. We’d rather stay composed and wait for someone to raise a new topic of conversation. We can say we’re both cruel at times but that comes handy when somebody tries to be at odds. I’m always behind her back and I believe she is at mine too.

Our friendship is one hell of a ride. I admit it’s not that easy. But then, it’s all worth it. Just knowing someone’s by your side no matter what will respite all the challenges we’ve both gone through. I love this girl so much and you just don’t know how inspired I am by her courageous act. Good luck to us.

Temptations

2005-05-24T15:22:00.000+08:00

Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon.

Nowadays, people love to do some experiments especially the youth. They tend to try things though it was said to be prohibited from them. In fact, the more perilous it is, the more yearning they have within. Little they knew, these things won’t make them glad in the end. They may be satisfied by it at first but they won’t know when it is too late.

There are numerous of this stuff around us. Temptations arise in a flash without us noticing it. There are different kinds of drugs and even practices that are definitely not good for anyone, hence people get into it. There are a lot of cases where the risk of these things are shown, thus it seems like many are still not bothered.

I believe that at times it is justifiable for someone to try things out, hence people should accept the fact that there are consequences waiting. May it be good or bad, people can’t do anything but to outdo and learn from it. And hopefully next time, they would even defy these temptations.

I'm sorry...

2005-05-19T13:15:00.000+08:00

I love you and I will never forget you Sam.

Mockingbird

2005-05-19T13:08:00.000+08:00

One time or another, someone sweet and innocent became a victim of a situation that supposedly had the chance to be resisted, if only people think hard and do some consideration. It is hard to choose between two options which both could lead into not so good results, hence there should always be one that is better. It may require a lot of effort and time to tell; nevertheless it certainly would provide you a decent choice.

Lawfully speaking, there have been several cases which lead the innocent one behind bars and the culpable walking free and experiencing the splendid things life can offer. In this case, it isn’t just keeping out the person from wonderful things, but from life itself.

Speaking of life, as Christians, we do believe that no one else has the right to end someone’s life except from God. But then, a lot of us commit this mistake. Numerous human beings are carnivores. In account of that, a lot of us are already guilty within ourselves. Do animals exist for people to consume? What I surely know is that God ordered Noah to bring every kind of animal for him to preserve life. He even instructed Noah to bring food for them. To be specific, He said to bring with him green leafy plants. On the contrary, life preservation can hardly be seen nowadays. What’s worse is that people seem not to care.

In some countries, abortion is legalized. Hence it would never be an excuse for killing someone. Evidently this is caused by an unwanted pregnancy. It might be because of the age; the parents are young for such thing, or the child was bring forth as a result of a crime. There are a lot of consequences instore for a young mother; she need to temporarily stop from going to school, her parents might forsaken her and a lot more. However, these things would not provide you the excuse to kill an innocent child but rather give you something to feel guilty for the rest of your life. God may forgive you willingly but it is hard to ask for forgiveness to the whole society who already thinks of you as an immoral person. Lastly, it would definitely be hard to forgive yourself knowing you just killed your own child. It may take some time or it may take forever. Who knows?

Always consult your conscience and may God guide you all the way.

Yipee!!!

2005-05-17T07:37:00.000+08:00

Since I had that phone call yesterday, it seems like I'm floating. I can't even believe it just happened. But hey, it just did. My application for financial assistance have been granted, 21 units discounted. Whew, a big help for my parents.

Anyways, I'm not bragging about it. I'm sorry for this. I'm just so happy. Good Karmas are now coming my way.

Comfort Room

2005-05-15T16:52:00.000+08:00

In times you just want to breakdown and cry, there is your family, friends or sometimes even strangers to talk to. That’s the way it is. One must spill out his or her problems to be able to break free from that anguish within themselves. No one needs a proof that it is healthier for someone to show their true feelings. You can prove it yourself. It certainly feels bad to hide your emotion though the rage inside you is rushing all through your veins. It seems like any minute, you’ll just blow up.

Moreover, there is in fact a study about this issue. People who are afraid of showing their emotions are prone to suicidal attempt. With no difficulty, we can all see that men are the ones who hardly show their feelings. They are the ones who tried to take back their tears for people not to see them cry. As a result, several cases of suicidal are of men.

Individuals also opt where to shed tears. There are some who are not at ease crying in public places. Others cried wherever they are as long as they feel the tears swelling up in their eyes. A few choose to cry elsewhere but infront of his or her family trying to hide the problems from them. Whereas, some prefer crying on their own. They want to be in their room, far from everybody else, just thinking on their own, absorbing the situation and trying to produce a solution to it.

Me? I don’t know why but I always end up crying while sitting in the toilet bowl just thinking of things before I take a bath. There I pour out all the tears I held back from all the pain I’ve experienced. I am simply comforted by the four corners of the room. Atleast there, no one can see I’m hurt especially any member of my family. There I can think freely, no one can see me looking exhausted, and I can’t be misjudged by anyone.

Bitch

2005-05-14T08:16:00.000+08:00

I hate the world today.
You're so good to me,
I know but I can't change.
Tried to tell you,
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath,
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried.
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side,
I can understand how you'd be so confused,
I don't envy you.
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

**
I'm a bitch,
I'm a lover,
I'm a child,
I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner,
I'm a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell,
I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

So take me as I am,
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man.
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous,
And I'm going to extremes:
Tomorrow I will change,
And today won't mean a thing

Repeat**

Just when you think you've got me figured out,
The season's already changin'.
I think it's cool you do what you do
And don't try to save me.

Repeat**

I'm a bitch,
I'm a tease,
I'm a goddess on my knees.
When you hurt,
When you suffer,
I'm your angel undercover.
I've been numb,
I'm revived,
Can't say I'm not alive,
You know I wouldn't want it any other way.

Where do you belong?

2005-05-11T19:14:00.000+08:00

Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes.

Countless individuals are claiming they do believe in God. There are numerous who attend mass every Sunday. Several join religious groups. They think it is enough that they do stuffs that would let people see how religious they are. They think it is enough that they satisfy themselves from feeling God is with them all the time.

*I am a religious person. I never missed a Sunday mass. I belong to this group where we always discuss the teachings of the Lord. We share our experiences. We learned from each other. On the other hand, I hate this person; I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive him. I know there will come a time I’ll get my vengeance and the last laugh would be mine, as always. Ooh, what’s with the outfit?! Isn’t it too out of style? She’s not pretty. Uhmm, what did you say? That’s supposed to be was not is.

*I don’t know if I am a religious person. I always attend Sunday mass. I love going out with friends. I drink and I smoke. I engaged myself into something not acceptable by Christians or even by the society. I do criticize others. I‘m not fond of fights, it would bother me at all times though people knew I’m mean. I pray for my enemies, may they forgive me if I’ve done something wrong, or may they be forgiven for they don’t know what they’re doing. There’s rage in their hearts but I know in time it would passed on. I despise myself when someone hates me. I asked for forgiveness constantly but I can’t promise I won’t do it again. I fancy having my own charity. I want to help but I don’t know where to start. I want to serve the Lord fully but I want to have a family in the future.

*I am a simple person. I study my lessons regularly. I sometimes go out with my friends; we go to the mall to watch a movie, to eat, and to look around. I love it when our school organizes a project to help the needy, I automatically sign up. After schooling, I am planning to join the missionaries to go to different countries to be of assistance with others. If not, I may enter the convent to be of full service to the Lord.

Personally, I know where I belong, and honestly I’m not satisfied by it. Have some reflection of your own. WHERE DO YOU BELONG? Do you believe in something and act in accordance? Or you suit yourself from just believing?

May God bless you all!

ONE

2005-05-10T15:26:00.000+08:00

I was home alone yesterday. I’ve got nothing to do and so I watched television all afternoon. I was browsing then when an infomercial in MTV caught my attention. Not because of Brad Pitt, well yeah slightly, but it was because of the message. Really.

This infomercial is all about The ONE Campaign. It aims to make poverty history, as they say in their banner. What’s genuinely good about this campaign is that it doesn’t ask people’s help financially. All they asked for are signatures. For that reason, I logged on to their site. As simple as that, I know I somehow helped. For those who’ll be able to read this, kindly give some of your time. I promise it won’t take long for you to be able to help. www.one.org

What is the goal of The ONE Campaign?
“The ONE Campaign seeks to give Americans a voice, to ring church bells and cell phones, on campuses and in coffee shops, for an historic pact to fight the global AIDS emergency and end extreme poverty. We believe that allocating an additional ONE percent of the U.S. budget toward providing basic needs like health, education, clean water and food, would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation of the poorest countries.”

By this battle against AIDS and poverty, may several be inspired to do some action, especially here in the Philippines where poverty is explicit.

mY cOuSiNs...

2005-05-09T19:58:00.001+08:00

These are my cousins, Geromaine Ann and Aaron Axle Marcus. Notice their names. Aren’t they very unusual? Well, they are indeed just like the owners. Oftentimes they possess the spotlight of the whole family. Both of them are smart. Have their own ways of making people smile. Sometimes, even if they do nothing, a grin would be pasted on your face, merely by looking at them. Admit it, their looks are comical.

ApOL:
*If someone’s mad at her, she’ll approach whoever it is and say sorry, in a very sweet way, and with a kiss on the cheek. She’s not going to leave your side until she hears everything’s fine.
*Eats like a grown-up person.
*Knows how to sing “Torete” by Moonstar 88, “This Love” by Maroon 5, theme song of Coca-Cola by Nikki, and other several songs we heard lately. She actually knows the lyrics and the tunes of the songs.
*She sometimes hate when someone is singing along with her.
*If she doesn’t get what she wants, she sometimes hits her head on the wall.

MaRCuS:
*Learned to speak in English on his own by watching the television. If you hear him, it is apparent that he learned by watching cartoons.
*As big as he is, he doesn’t like eating rice. He loves milk and instant Pancit Canton.
*When he fell from their stairs, he gone through a process where a metal is inserted in his arm. After that happened, he told us a story that there was a time he tried to check if his arm would be attracted by any magnetic object, apparently it happened with the metal bars at the foot of their bed.
*Doesn’t want to talk about his teeth.
*He might escort his cousin in the Little Miss Philippines shown in Eat Bulaga. I just don’t know when.

Tears or joy???

2005-05-07T11:58:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been so happy that you actually cried tears? I think there are already several. But have you ever been frightened the moment you’re blissful? Weird but true. There have been lots of times that literally, after being in high spirits, I end up crying.

Many times I go home and witness an unexpected argument of my parents, and that’s just after being so happy spending some time with friends or with my special someone. That’s the very usual. Other than this, here’s what I truly remember:

Way back January of year 1999; me and my family are so worn out after the burial of my grandmother. After a week full of grief, me and my sister planned to go to a mall and unwind. I was so excited and so I went straight home after class intending to change my clothes. We thought that we deserve a break. At the end of our street, I can see my mother waiting for someone outside the door. As I approach her, I knew there’s something wrong. I can see it in her face. Then, it turned out that my uncle who has cancer passed away. My insides churned and the excitement I just felt seconds ago turned into sorrow. Another week of mourning.

Last July 2004, I feel so contented. No problems in the family and even in school. Me and my boyfriend are having fun being together. A lot of misunderstandings but we manage to survive. I don’t know why but I was so glad that I’m with him. For that reason, there’s a night that my prayer actually focused on him. I was so grateful and so I thank God for He gave him to me, for He helped us in our problems, and for He let me shared my moments with him. I said that I loved this guy so much and so I begged Him not to take him away from me yet. Not now, not soon. Two days after, I’m waiting for my boyfriend’s usual call after school and so he called. The day before was not so good, he went to his friend’s house and they drink I don’t know ‘til what time. Yes, I’m mad but I don’t want to talk about it much. I simply asked how’s his day. After that, I can’t totally remember how it all happened. He just blurted it out, as simple as that. We’re done. He said he don’t want to hurt me. He wants to enjoy and the last thing he needs is a serious relationship, commitment, girlfriend or whatever. That moment, I just don’t know what to think or to say. Cuss, cuss, cuss. What can I say, I’m hurt. I can’t even imagine how to surpass each day especially Tuesdays and Saturdays. Well, those are days we’re supposed to meet. Though this conversation hurt me a lot, it seemed like I don’t want to put the phone down. I cried like a child. Nevertheless, it ended up. What’s worse? I learned that he already had a girlfriend. After a day? NO. The day before we broke up. *sigh*

Now, happy as I can be, I’m afraid that the tears I’ll cry would be intended for something else, not for the joy I’m feeling as of the moment.

What we think is right

2005-05-05T01:52:00.000+08:00

Do people act according to their rights or what they think is right?

May 1 is Labor Day in the Philippines. Many joined rallies of different objectives and aims. They said they are just expressing themselves. Some are demanding for wage increase while others pronounce their annoyance with how the government run the country. As expected, people became violent at some time. As an outcome, a lot of casualties ensue.

There are loads of instances when people act according to what they think is right rather than what is really right. But do they have an excuse for such? Well, there is a profession which I think would be credited for. How about the lawyers who at times are forced to be liars just to save the neck of their client? Hmmm…

Reflect
We’re just not aware, but there are several incidents when our minds are gainsay to our hearts. We want to tell the truth but we don’t want to hurt others’ feelings. We want to be truly honest but there are times we really need to keep it within ourselves not to make things complicated. We are bothered by our conscience, but there are other things we consider and thought of it as a better option. Though in the end, we should have opted to execute the other one.

Truth is so rare that it is delightful to tell it. –Emily Dickinson

Dreams for Real

2005-05-04T01:50:00.000+08:00

I woke up every morning trying to refresh what my dream is all about. But like others, I hardly can tell every detail of it. Sometimes I get frustrated by the thought of forgetting it especially if it involved an important person or event. However, there are times I’m just glad I can’t remember it. Some vision bothers me every so often. I tend to associate it with reality. I can’t blame myself! I have dreams recently which are like sequels to my day. Besides, either I believe it or not, I’m indebted for having such. They sort of help me avoid stuff to crop up in the future.

I’m in the Mariano’s residence; me and my boyfriend (Yam) are having fun while drinking with some friends. There is the presence of Jason, Allann, Jo, and others whom I can’t recall. There are a lot of voices all over the place. Everyone has an acquaintance to have a discussion with. I get up to my feet; leave the table where my boyfriend is settled with some other friends and headed to the far-end table. There I saw Jo, my ex-boyfriend. Or, is he really my ex? As I came close, he stood up and hugged me. We stayed attach with each other as if we’re slow dancing. Then, to my surprise, I kissed him on his lips and managed to pull back as fast as I can so that no one can notice, though that’s hard being in a place so crowded.

I woke up; the sun is hitting my face. Damn. I wonder what happened next.

Those are the words that pop-out in my mind after having the dream. Anyhow, it made me ponder on things. There are a lot of questions that pester me. What is that all about? Of all the people, why does it have to be him? Why did we kiss? Are we together that moment? Is it possible that I can betray Yam?

Oh shit! Who the hell am I conning?
Sure enough, my conscience’s bothering me hitherto.

Here’s my confession. Very well, these past few days we’re having a chat. Not that I’m doing anything improper eh. Oh yeah, defensive, I know, my bad. It’s just that I have finally decided to sojourn my loathing. I believe that to forgive is to forget. Although I’m talking about the feeling at this juncture, not what actually happened. I need not to forget what happened. It helped me a lot. It altered my perspective in some views of life. Anyways, it lasted atleast a week. We talked about anything actually. When the topic would veer off to the injustice we have done, I turned out to be emotional. Well, it’s always like that. Anything that would remind me of it would make me so poignant. So here’s the deal. I talked to him since I want to prove something to myself. But then it’s hard. It causes me to feel treacherous. So, I resort to ending it as soon as possible. Subsequently, I told everything to Yam; that Jo and I talked but I decided to stop it since I know anything is possible if it prolong for we don’t know how many days or even weeks.

Yam’s reaction?! Huh! He didn’t say anything. But I can see there’s something on his face, he just doesn’t want to tell. I hate it when he’s acting as if nothing happened. I’d rather listen to him fuming than to receive a look which leaves me wanting to question him more. I’m hopeless. He slept. After that, he said: “Anong gusto mong sabihin ko? Nangyari na diba?! Atleast sinabi mo.” End of conversation.

The end of story? I don’t know. Maybe some dreams really are created by our subconscious mind. (March 2005)